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by fee-kh
Summary: Alec takes some liberties with Logan's answering machine message. And Max finds out.


A/N: This is a response to the prompt challenge "Alec messes with Max and/or Logan's answering machine" over on raising hell website. I thought I would share with you guys, too. I promise to eventually get round to posting at the abbey as well.

Also the last answering machine message is not my creation. I first heard it from my uncle's phone a couple of years back, I have no idea who came up with it first, so if you know, please let me know. I don't like poaching.

**Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**You've reached**

Max had had a funny feeling all day that something was off. And Max didn't like not knowing something. It made her uneasy. And when she was uneasy she became cranky. And when she was cranky, well, everybody felt it. Felt it and kept out of her way. In an effort to survive if nothing else.

But then again Sketchy was not exactly known for his survival skills or indeed any ability to think before he spoke.

So it came as no real surprise when it turned out to be Sketchy who walked up to Max and mentioned what everybody had been thinking about but would quite cheerfully chop his arm off before admitting to.

"Yo, Max. What's up with Logan's phone?" Sketchy froze slightly when his statement had her head swinging around, laser glare zeroing in on him, and making sweat break from his pores.

"What do you mean?"

Sketchy cleared his throat nervously, trying to backtrack from what he now realised was a massive obstruction on the freeway of his life.

"Nuthin, Max. I meant nothing."

"Then why did you ask?"

Sketchy glanced around wildly, futilely looking for aid from the audience whose body language was practically screaming 'leave us out of this, we like our limbs where they are, thank you very much.'

"Um, it's just, you know, normally it's like 'yo, it's Logan leave a message' cept without the yo and now it's like totally long and stuff. And why is he so mean to Alec and who's Ames and what's an ex-Manticore Frankenstein."

May just gaped at him as his verbal vomiting finally trickled to a stop.

"Sorry, what?"

Sketchy took a step back, even he able to see how the fury was slowly rising in her small frame.

He decided that retreat would be the better part of valour and made a break for it. Followed by everybody else in the immediate vicinity of the no doubt imminent explosion of Mount Max.

Hands trembling with anger, Max pulled out her phone and accessed Logan's answering machine, listening to the message that had most definitely not been there the last time she listened to it.

"Hello, you have reached Bleeding Hearts 'R' Us.

If you're Ames calling about a trap you want us to walk into with our eyes closed, press #1.

If you are an informant who ends up dead and gets Alec caught, press #2.

If you are an informant who ends up dead and gets Alec shot in the shoulder, press #3.

If you are an informant who gets Alec shot in the ass, press #4.

If you are an ex-Manticore Frankenstein with a dubious cure-all, press #5.

If you are an ex-Manticore Frankenstein with a dubious cure-all who plans to sell us out and gets Alec caught and/or shot, press#6.

If you are…"

Max flipped her phone closed with trembling hands. Knowing Alec the message would continue on numbers seven through nine and then carry on for God knew how long. He was an inventive bastard after all.

Turning around she met Alec's gaze, seeing his smirk firmly in place.

"How long?" She hissed, eyes flashing with barely restrained emotion.

Alec tilted his head, pretending to consider.

"This version? Bout two days." He rocked back on his heels, obviously pleased with himself.

Max blanched, sputtering almost incoherently. "There's more than one?"

He smirked and held up three fingers.

Max stared at him hands clenching by her side as she fought for control, only to fail of course, as she stalked up to Alec, and hauled back to give him a full on slap.

On the shoulder.

And burst into laughter.

Laughed so hard that she couldn't speak, tears streaming down her face, as she struggled for breath, Alec watching her all the while with a slightly wary expression on his face.

Finally after a good few minutes, Max managed to look at him without breaking into more laughter.

She looked up at him, eyes sparkling and cheeks flushed.

"God, I haven't laughed like that in ages." She wiped away some of the tears on her face with her fingers. "Thank you Alec. Just what I needed."

Alec looked at her, noting how well the look suited her, then smiled.

"So do you want in on the next one? Cause I have the coolest idea."

Two days later, a new message could be heard from Logan's answering machine, spoken in a nice female alto.

"Hello. You have reached the psychiatric hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.  
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.  
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.  
If you are manic, stop pressing numbers and listen to the instructions.  
If you are ambivalent, please press your favourite number as many times as you like.  
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.  
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.  
If you are delusional, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite your ear off.  
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call."


End file.
